Go Girl….It’s Ya Birthday

I’m 33 now. Mmmmm. I said it. The pandemic doesn’t get to take that away. In the deepest parts of me and in my being 33 will have even more powerful than 32. This IS the sequel. I’m excited, touched and completely moved by the mere idea of 33 being my best one yet. Life…The fact that I get the opportunity to experience it everyday newly grabs me by the hand and completely has my full attention. My love…I am a like a kid.in.a.candy store.with.this!! To be true to me, I gotta get even more raw. Proverbially taking off 32’s clothes and putting on the new. Face to face….I’ve been told I am experienced by others as an intense human being and that is the always humbling to hear.

Every time.

However…

Wednesday, this didn’t feel true. It was almost like I was in a trance. You know what i’m talking about? It was soooo….

Bittersweet…

uncle fester

I’ll try to paint a picture the best I can. I wake  up to my husband who is all the way sexy and a complete blessing to my life who wishes me happy birthday. He’s been celebrating my birthday with gifts starting last month, lol! He’s such a romantic. I’m still wondering how I got to be so special that this romantic is mine…only on my actually birthday I received it with a “ehh” type flow.

Every morning I thank God for letting me see another day and another year. I read a devotional and sit for a moment in prayer and then look to my phone to see text messages and voicemails filled with love and birthday wishes. It makes me smile but when I put down the phone.. I’m not moved. It was almost like I was numb to the purity in the moments I just had in that. I guess it’s how people would describe being “dead” on the inside. I get up to go to the kitchen and my 6 year old baby girl smiles and say’s to me “Happy birthday, birthday girl!” She is SO filled with love and light and it made me smile. I tell her thank you and yet walking toward the kitchen sink, my body goes back to this emptiness.

It was so weird… my son comes in with his tablet and says “happy birthday mommy.” I tell him “thank you baby”  and he made me smile. I start to wash the dishes that were left in the sink from the night before and I get a phone call. I dry my hands to see that it’s my youngest sister and 9 year old nephew face-timing me. When I answer they both screamed “happy birthday titi,” “happy birthday birthday girl!” They both sing to me and on my nephews end I see my other nephew trying to squeeze into the screen to wish me the same. They really bring the kid out of me.

My mom and all her beauty yells in the background of them… “Happy birthday baby girl! Go on your Facebook.” Her love language occurs to me as affirmation so later in the day I scrolled to what was a love note uniquely from her. Of course I know it was from the deepest parts of her so it too made me smile. I’m humbled by the way a person in the silent communication say’s “I love you” without ever having to use the words.

The next day I woke up with such gratitude. So much love. Even better the peace the Bible talks about…you know? The kind that surpasses all understanding. There is nothing I’ve ever experienced that could ever touch it. Lol…it’s just SOO GOOD. I’ve had so much energy, hindsight and insight and it’s good. The next days will be my best days and I have such a humbled peace around it. Old ideas are being added to me newly and it’s good. I’m thankful for awareness and the ability to catch it on a deeper level. It’s like a stepping into a light after such a long winter and feeling the warmth from it. I invite you to look into the “paused moments” and see what is made of it.

With love,

Candace Kinlaw

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