I Think I’m Ok, Let Me Check

Have you ever said this in emotional or silent ways? Even to yourself? God help you if you EVER said it out loud right?

Like..”I think i’m ok but let me check. I gotta take a deeper look for myself.” 

I’m sitting in my living room with sharp pains shooting up my back.

Almost expecting it like those annoying ants in my kitchen when the summer time creeps in…

 I lay down.

With deep breaths while  watching my newest favorite tv show “The Good Doctor.” I took a moment to walk in the kitchen to pour myself a cup of  ginger ale, get 2 tylenol from the top of my refrigerator and  go to sit my lay my behind back down.

Webster’s dictionary states that suppression is the conscious intentional exclusion from consciousness of a thought or feeling. Even deeper the written definition  for repression (suppression’s cousin) is a mental process by which distressing thoughts, memories, or impulses that may give rise to anxiety are excluded from consciousness and left to operate in the unconscious. Both are very sneaky and only a highly vigilant person would be able to pick up it’s scent.

The heart [is] deceitful above all [things], and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9-10

In this episode of the series, one of the characters lost a patient. She had to think fast and do a procedure that later found out there was an error made by her. In watching her lack of verbal response and deep facial recognition of her wrapping her mind around what happened and proceeding in playing the event back in her head… 

I saw myself.

In the different stages of my life.

Doing the same. 

It brought the question…”What is really creeping around in my heart?”

She came with the automatic response “I’m fine” when someone knowing the event she encountered as an intense one…and for me…this was a eureka moment and humbled me  in such a way it was clear that my life has been surrounded by God’s love for me.  Claire goes to a required therapy session and shares with the hospital’s therapist how “fine” she is and capable of doing her job just like any of the other doctors. She came up with my favorite line which is “everyone deals with circumstances of life differently.” 

And this is true.

However..

“Stuffed” feelings/emotions don’t serve anyone’s life and for sure don’t do NO favors. Everything has a cost. Everyone has to pay up. And I get it. LOL I was unconsciously trying to do payment plans and lay-a-way agreements with the universe, the laws of gravity and the powers surrounding it. It makes the past occurrences clearer for me. There was an example by one of my teachers which was I could either ride the horse the way that it’s going willingly or be dragged by it unwillingly. I don’t know how colorful your mind is but were you able to get a visual too? Doing what feels comforting in the moment feels good but can come with a lifetime of hurt. First hand I got the memo.

Brushing life’s tragic event’s off and putting on a shield of strength feels good in the moment but just like a leak in a water hose or a ceiling…it’ll be finite in it’s timing.  So…

I surrender. Day by day and with bambi legs I’ll step forward and I’ll look at the pains of life and the past and shine a light on the stuff in the closet. No one likes pruning but it produces more good fruit when done as designed.

With love,

Candace Kinlaw

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