I Wanna Do This But I Need Help!!

jar of oilHey fam!


I had a whole cry session on my bathroom floor…It came completely outta nowhere.

You got a few minutes?

I know we all been here. At least I know I have. I went to the university of I wanna do it, but I need help.  So I gotta ask, what’s been planted in your heart that looks like it’s a million miles away? You know. That thing that you think about silently but if you say it out loud to anyone, they’ll will make you the laugh for the rest of the month and tell others too. Yea…That thing. Only for dear life, you can’t shake it off because the desire for it has been there forever.

Like. Have you ever taken a look at someone else’s life and think.  It’s easy for them to have this or of course they would have that..but it’ll never happen with me?

I’ve accepted the desire God put in my heart to transform the quality of the place where I was born and raised which is the beautiful Bridgeport, CT. Although when I listen to the pain that people are dealing with… it really is overwhelming. When I listen in about the crime rate and deaths it shakes something on the inside. It’s real…and when I think about the possibility of making even the smallest change to bring inspiration to a person’s way of thinking…depression comes over me and I do nothing but cry.

You know what I’m talking about?

Like..the condition of this world BAFFLES me.

On a Thursday Morning, I’m sitting at my computer looking aimlessly in my bedroom and the phone rings and it’s my coach. I hit decline because I know I ain’t mentally right to talk to nobody. Silently, I laugh to my self because I knew she don’t budge that easy… I get a text and it’s her..as expected. I shake my head and I walk to the bathroom to hide from my children because I feel my face warming up, my eyes filling with tears and I close the door behind me. I get another call from another one of my coaches and hit decline and replied to her with a text saying  “can’t talk right now, love you..bye.”  I sit down on the bathroom floor in front of the door so that none of my kids comes in and see’s me like this. Silently I sit alone on the floor crying with emotions of anger, sadness and fear on overflow. I start doing a quiet yell to God.

Like “Father you put the passion to love these people in my heart. They live in emotion, they hold tight to their anger, the drugs and alcohol is too loud and the past has a death grip on them! I’ll do what you tell me but look at me God! I can’t even manage me right now!” “How you expect me to pull that off?!” I wipe the tears from my face with my shirt and look at my phone. One of the coaches sends me a text that say’s…”I know where you are right now. I was there recently and the best way to combat what your dealing with is to take action.” “When your feeling like this it’s the worst time to be alone because that’s when stories are made up in your head against you.” I scoffed and roll my eyes because I knew she was telling the truth.

I received that as God’s way to say to me. Calm down…. I got you.

I stood up…looked in the mirror..patted my cheeks, wiped my tears, opened the door and made a few phone calls to create with people.

This reminds me of the story in 2 Kings 4 where a man named Elisha asked a widow woman.. “how can I help you, what do you have in your house?” She was so focused on everything she didn’t have that she almost couldn’t create with what she did have. She told the man.. I don’t have nothing except this little jar of oil.” (YOUR perspective is life because you could have something right under your nose but if your vision is blurred you’ll miss it.) With the human thinking and the human ways the obstacles of this world look big BUT GOD is so greater.

With love,

Candace Kinlaw

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Recommended Books to read

Don’t Settle for Safe: Embracing the Uncomfortable to Become Unstoppable

The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph

Wholeness: Winning in Life from the Inside Out

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